Pencast: Christian divorce counseling – how is it different?

There are three key aspects to effective divorce counseling.

But there’s another dimension that only a relationship with Jesus Christ can fulfill. To explain this, I’ve created a pencast using my Livescribe Pulse smartpen and uploaded that to a new divorcepastor account on YouTube. Audio/visual presentations such as the one below are intended to let folks in need access further aspects of the perspectives and problem-solving techniques we share in person — wherever you are.

Why churches, pastors may be reluctant to dive into divorce counseling, part 3

Now let’s say that the pastor’s door is open to couples experiencing stress, ready to throw in the towel on their relationship. The implied, even if not overtly stated or forcefully advocated bias, is toward reconciliation. Matthew 19:26 quotes Jesus as saying, “with God everything is possible.” James 5:15 promises that “the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well….” Do we as pastors “fail” if we cannot bring this about?

No. But, sometimes in our pastoral roles, in an effort to provide strength and pass along the faith we have in God, our perspective can slip. It is God who holds all wisdom and power; it is He alone who controls outcomes. Daniel 2:20-22. Yet from the perspective of the pastor within a church, concern can arise that failure to facilitate reconciliation portends some shortcoming on his or her part.

Your pastor isn’t an emissary of miracles on demand.

Why churches, pastors may be reluctant to dive into divorce counseling, part 2

Are you right with God on your divorce? How do you know? Those are pastoral care questions.

In one of the theology courses I took at Concordia College (before our friends off Geddes Road became a university), my professor often reflected with angst on the story of how he’d been kicked out of a hospital emergency room where he was serving as a young, newly-ordained minister. He was in the way, the doctors argued, and they had a job to do. A life was a stake.

“I had a job to do, too!” he’d explain to his students, then-two-decades later. “That patient’s eternal salvation was a stake.”

Should parents consult one another before vaccinating their child?

Late Monday evening, my cell phone rang.

It was a client from a divorce I’d mediated two years ago. The parenting schedule alternates weeks between households, with the switch at 8 p.m. This call came about half an hour after that, from the mother.

Speaking loudly, at a fast pace, in earthy language, she told me that her former husband had taken their daughter to get the H1N1 “swine flu” vaccine last week. Without telling Mom. She was, by her own self-assessment, “furious.”

Why churches, pastors may be reluctant to dive into divorce counseling, part 1

The spiritual ramifications of marital endings are under-addressed.

Before, during, and defiantly clinging into the aftermath of divorce, the “why me?” question is one that only God can answer. Think of Job. As The Message introduces this book of the Bible, Job “asked his questions persistently, passionately, and eloquently…. He refused to take clichés for an answer. He refused to let God off the hook.”

What had Job done to deserve the turn of fate that found him in such pain?

Social media can cost you more than Facebook Friends in divorce, part 3

“Lawyers hope to excavate information on lifestyle, relationships…, whereabouts — mentions of affairs or parties, say; money spent on gifts, lavish purchases or trips; photos of a parent smoking or drinking. In a custody or settlement case, such information can be used to show financial resources, state of mind, even lack of fitness to parent….

“It’s one thing to lose your head in an update,” Ms. Fortini writes, “it’s something else to lose your children because of it.”

Social media can cost you more than Facebook Friends in divorce, part 2

So the world wide web is a virtual place where you gain access to wide-spread, minimal-depth divorce issues venting, at the price of undermining your image in a real-world divorce court where the trajectory of your future will be determined. “Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent; with their mouths shut, they seem intelligent.” Proverbs 17:28.

We’re talking here about a societal shift in information gathering, interest, and accountability. Its effect on us is all the greater because it’s not limited to divorcing spouses or even the legal community; it’s becoming another given in our culture. As Blogger Eric Sinrod pointed out last summer, “fully one-fourth of colleges surveyed report that they implement Web search or social networking technology to find out more about applicants to their schools.” That’s right, “social networking technology.”

Social media can cost you more than Facebook Friends in divorce, part 1

“Confess your faults one to another,” reads James 5:16, “and pray one for another, that ye may be healed.”

Without a doubt, there can indeed be healing benefits in unburdening ourselves to others. Disclosures range from brand-name sins laid out in the Ten Commandments, to what we might like to tell ourselves are trivial, greyer areas of shortcoming.

But indiscretion in the who and the where we tell are now met with ever-increasing consequences when it comes to matters of the heart. A recent feature on Salon.com titled, “The Facebook divorce,” reminds us that postings to your social media outlet of choice will have a reach much further than the Friends you’ve chosen.

That can cost you money — and even parenting time.

When prayer is a bad thing in divorce, part 2

Prayers that pass through grumbling lips are hardly the ideal. So I don’t encourage people to put on a happy face and fake their bended-knee, clasped-hand time with thanks for adverse circumstances for which they “should” be thankful (after all, “things could be worse”), but for which they are not in fact thankful (as no typical person would be).

Instead, look for the simplest thing for which genuine gratitude is actually felt, no matter how small.

When prayer is a bad thing in divorce, part 1

“I told my divorce support group to pray for you,” said one spouse to the other.

“I didn’t ask you to do that,” came the immediate reaction.

“I know. That just goes to prove how much you need it.”

Listening in on the above, what sort of impression does this conversation leave you with? It’s not at all uncommon to Christian divorce recovery workshops or the offices of pastoral counselors; I hear it all the time.

Is this how Jesus wants prayer to be used?

New “Divorce Pastor” column on AnnArbor.com

Last month, we were approached by AnnArbor.com to write for them as a Contributor.

It’s an exciting opportunity to reach further out into the local community we serve, provide tools for those suffering through divorce (including approaches to conflict resolution for families struggling to find alternatives to marital disolution), and to assure people that there is no situation through which our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is not willing to walk beside them in love.

Reminder: Divorce Recovery Workshop starts Sunday, October 11

Divorce Reality Workshop 1™

Our 6-week program provides initial understanding and tools for navigating divorce-related challenges. It is designed for individuals who feel that divorce is imminent in their marriages (even if the legal paperwork has not yet been filed), those in the early stages of marital separation and courtroom proceedings, and people dealing with the early months following actual entry of divorce judgments.

Jesus’ “final” act of forgiveness

Forgiveness is part-and-parcel of the divine nature of Christ. Luke 5:24.

Yet we sometimes forget that the human nature of Jesus provides not just an example to which we should aspire, but a model for living a life that will bring peace to our hearts. To underscore this, let me be clear that we’re not talking about any call to act as a good person would. I am talking about actions which reliably result in relief from burdens, bring calm to our beings.

The “I’ll forgive you if…” trap

The following isn’t so much about forgiveness as it is non-forgiveness.

Arguments against forgiving enjoy appeal among advocates of equity and consequence. How is it “fair” to the one for whom an obligation is owed if it’s simply forgiven? Without imposition to follow through, what’s to keep the obligated from perpetually exploiting others?

Challenges to church leadership with Matthew 18:17 and divorce

Jesus was very specific in sequencing how conflicts should be addressed. Matthew 18:15-17.

If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

What do you suppose Jesus had in mind here?

When “speaking the truth in love,” think “relationship”

Too often in working even with Christian divorce ministries, I find counselors and leaders showing a bias toward Zechariah 8:16 as they claim commitment to Ephesians 4:15 in approach. The pivotal omission of one just governing word makes all the difference.

These are the things ye shall do; Speak ye every man the truth to his neighbour; execute the judgment of truth and peace in your gates… [commands the former, in Old Testament teachings].

But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into Him in all things, which is the head, even Christ… [reads the latter, in the New Testament].

“Love.”

Ambitiously — and, more importantly, credibly — the movie, I Love You, Man, from Dreamworks Pictures substantiates the word “love” between new friends Peter Klaven and Sydney Fife. It’s not instant or perfect. In fact, its real because of the bumps and challenges and time the movie makers take to show it unfolding, in minute and even crude detail.

Couples in marital crisis often grab the Yellow Pages in search of a Christian counselor to help them work through their issues. Or pull in the Pastor who may have been serving them so well for many years from the pulpit on Sunday mornings. Either can have the credentials and authority to provide sound guidance, ie, “truth,” solidly foundationed in the Bible. But is that truth dispensed ”in love”? Without relationship, there can be no love.

For the same reason that drive-by witnessing fails, so, too, does otherwise sound guidance, no matter how well-meaning. Marital crisis or no, if you’re approached to work with a couple on divorce, reconciliation, or anything in between, you must first put the breaks on yourself (humbly) and come into relationship with the parties. That is love.

We shouldn’t need R-Rated popular culture to see this reality.

“Relationship with Jesus” is no cliché

During a “Discover the Church” presentation I attended a few years back at NorthRidge, senior pastor Brad Powell told us not to expect him to go out and convert our neighbors to Christ. Rather, his role, and that of the staff, was to equip us to do so. We’re the ones with the most important ingredient: Relationship.

“Drive-by witnessing” fails because people expect a commitment from those who we would ask trust us to direct their eternal salvation. That takes time, investment. Think “fellowship” here, as the word is used in 1 John 1:3,7.

Before Jesus taught, he came among us, in human relationship. John 1: 14. This sets and models a higher standard for counsel, advice, instruction. It reflects an intimacy between God and His creation.

Not what I’d have chosen

“Would you be leading a weekly divorce support group if you and your son’s mother were still together?”

A fellow in a large group I was facilitating six or seven years ago asked me that question. I was well-past divorce myself by that point; in fact, I was dating the woman who I knew would become my wife.

“No,” I answered, without hesitation.

How should you act in divorce court?

A friend of mine who practices law is fond of observing that even the most guilty criminals put on their best face when appearing in court, but for some inexplicable reason, otherwise wonderful people most often display their worst in divorce court.

“It’s not enough to demonstrate how good you are,” another lawyer once said, at a presentation I once attended. “You also have to make a strong case for how bad the other side is.”

Proverbs 6:19

Continuing on the theme of divorce court and prayer, “truth” is one thing they have in common.

The ends must not be thought to justify the means here in your mind. Flee from any advisor who seeks to instruct you on how to lie without risking the legal consequences of perjury. Leave others to God’s judgment; we’re talking about your actions here.